ParentingSOS.com - Parenting Solutions

WINNING IN SPORTS
(email Conversation)

SANDY: I will say at the outset that I think the whole “win” consciousness we are passing down to our children is very harmful and should be stopped. My son, Scott, is six foot five; he walked off the basketball team in his junior year of high school because “life is too short of this type of abuse.” The coaches picked on him for the next two years. Kids teased him. I complained and was written off as an over-protective mother. Scott’s father thought he was a wimp. I thought he showed amazing courage. It was very difficult to watch him suffer through those two years.

PARENT: My son is just having fun. He is competitive to a point, but he's just a little boy having a good time. The other children seem to be extremely competitive

SANDY:. It is how some children get recognition and attention from their parents. Winning becomes nurturing, food.

PARENT: (and their parents demonstrate "subtle" competition)

SANDY: I know this one well. If we were to video tape parent’s behavior at a soccer match, basketball or other sporting even in which children are playing, we would shake our heads in disbelief.

PARENT: As I said, they all are quite equal in ability, but a couple of times my boy got nervous and made some mistakes (we're talking an 8 yr. old here. They're entitled to some mistakes!).. The other boys snickered and his team mates got mad. The moms didn’t say anything. Now when it's time to team up to play they are saying things like, "Why do I always have to play with him?" and trying to grab each other like my son is the leftover. My boy is a great kid and he has been such a good sport, but he said to me, "I'm lousy at this game!"

SANDY: This is the damage--not believing in himself.

PARENT: It breaks my heart. My gut feeling is to pull him out,

SANDY: Maybe it is best to let him choose. A conversation with a lot of truth in it will help, “I can see what is happening in this sport. The boys picking on you makes you more nervous so you make more mistakes. They think winning really matters, I do not. It is fun to win, but not essential. It will be hard to have fun in this group. I want you to know that if you want to change groups or stop going to this sport, I will back you in that idea. The boys will call you a wimp if you leave. That’s their problem unless you want to make it yours. Don’t count the vote of people you don’t respect. It doesn’t look like going this sport will be fun any more. Think about it and we can talk later.”

PARENT: but you do encounter people like this in life. Should I try to help him work through it? I'm not sure if I should "rescue" him or teach him to handle it. His coach says things like "No tears on my court".

SANDY:. God forbid we would turn our athletes into compassionate caring males and females who play for a victory, but don’t let their lives be changed by the outcome of a game! This is gladiator stuff that is hard for some people to fathom. Freaking out over the outcome of a game is silly to some people. I think it is very harmful to a child’s sense of self to be treated the way some coaches treat young people. Is winning more important that having fun -- or a great game where skill is valued and the fact that each player did his/her best is good enough?

PARENT: I know it sounds terrible, but most of the time he's having fun and likes his coach.

SANDY: Sounds great to me. It is such an important lesson to still like someone and choose not to be with them. It takes a lot of courage to do this. Kids cave in when someone puts them down (so do adults). The trick is to realize that the vote of someone you don’t respect does not count. It doesn’t matter. There are 6 billion people in the world--find another group, another friend who values you the way you are.