NO EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
PARENT: Instead of focusing so much on consequences, I think
we should have our children do the things they are supposed to do because
they will be letting us down if they do not.
SANDY: Most of
us were raised by parents who made it very clear that we were letting them
down when we didn’t behave. The message was "Do what I want you to do
and I will love you." The problem with this strategy is that it creates
people pleasing rather than learning to make choices that enhance the
quality of your life. It also harms the child to have a parent’s
precious love removed.
Colleges and Universities are dealing with out of control
students who are out from under the thumb of parents who demanded good
behavior and held back their love as blackmail.
Every time I lecture, I tell parents, “If I were mature
enough to tell you one thing and go home this is what it would be: Never,
ever, under-any-circumstance take your love away as your method of
controlling a child.” A
parent needs to be very clear in separating a child from his/her actions,
“Yes, I am angry that you took the cookie. Yes, there will be a
consequence. This is not about loving you. I always love you. Now the
consequence for that choice will be......”
Children need to learn that life is about choices; every
minute of every day you are making choices. For each of those choices
there is a consequence; some are positive, some are negative. If the focus
is not on the choice the child has made, he/she fools him/herself into
thinking that someone is “doing it” to him/her. The child fails to
take responsibility for his/her choices.
If rules and consequences are fair, consistently served
without undue anger, and the child always knows that he/she is loved, that
child will respect the adults in charge. In addition, that child is more
likely to choose not to “let the parents down”.
Copyright (C) Sandy Spurgeon McDaniel, 2000