FIGHTING IN THE CAR

Children have an instinct for knowing when the parent cannot do anything to stop their behavior. For instance, they know that you must pay attention when you are driving and they can, therefore, do whatever they want to do in the back seat. So, they check it out and begin hitting each other.

When you scream and yell at children, they cannot hear you. Therefore, screaming at them to stop fighting is useless. Threatening is not a strategy that comes from power. It is also time consuming and tedious to remember who you threatened with what and follow through.

Ask the children to stop fighting. When the fighting continues, pull the car over to the side of the road. Stop the engine. Turn off the radio. Sit there. Say nothing. Watch the traffic. Relax. Pretty soon a voice from the back seat will ask, “Mom?” (or “Dad?”) To which you will answer in a pleasant voice (because you are not angry, you are simply answering the children’s question, “Is this how we use power?’), “Yes?” And the child will continue, “Why did you stop the car?”  Once again, in your relaxed voice respond, “It is not safe for me to drive when children are fighting.”  Then return to daydreaming or watching traffic.  When the children promise to stop fighting, drive the car again. If they start fighting again, stop the car.

If you are going to start this training on a day in which you need to be somewhere, set your clocks a half hour ahead so you won’t be pressured by the ticking of your car clock.

Children hate to be bored. It is very boring to sit in a quiet car doing nothing. An adult can sit quietly faaaaaar longer than a child can sit. Therein lies your power --and no one needs to get angry or be harmed.

Copyright (C) Sandy Spurgeon McDaniel, 2000