ParentingSOS.com - Parenting Solutions

FIGHTING

Where there are two children a fight is likely to brew. Learning to use your words instead of your fists is a skill that takes time. We had a rule in our home that every person in the home was kind to each other. It is not kind to punch someone

because you are angry. You teach most by what you model; spanking and hitting look just the same to a small child. Is it kind to pelt a child’s body because he or she made a mistake?

For more on this “to spank or not to spank” issue, check under “parenting truths”.

An angry parent runs into a room where two darling children are hitting each other. “Why are you fighting?” the parent asks. One child makes a statement as to the lack of worth of their sibling, and the sibling retaliates with some hateful statement about their brother or sister. The parent is caught in the middle. Lying has been invited into the arena. Nothing is getting solved and the two children, having heard lies or accusations about themselves, get angrier and angrier. Disaster is headed to this situation like a speeding train.

First of all, don’t ask why. The answer to why they are fighting is none of your business. They need to learn to get along. The parent needs to set the rules for fighting. Hitting is not allowed.

If there is an obvious solution to the children’s problem (you play with that toy for fifteen minutes and when the timer goes off it is your turn for fifteen minutes with the toy), the parent might ask the children to find a solution. If an argument erupts, stop the action! “It doesn’t look like you two want to get along today. For the next hour, Kathleen you go into the dining room with your toys and play. Scott, you take your toys into the livingroom; there will be no tv while you are there.” Separate them for an hour. If, at the end of the hour, they still don’t choose to get along, separate them for a second hour.

This is the rule: If you play together well, you stay together. Fight, and you are separated.

Footnote: Skills are best taught out of the heat of a battle. If one child is constantly taking the other child’s toy away, talk to him/her about that. Explain that it is important to take turns with toys. Tell the child that he/she does not have the right to take a toy away from another child. Set up a consequence : “Should I see you take Kathleen’s toy away from her again, I will give her the toy and you will have a fifteen minute time out.”

Behavior that is rewarded continues, behavior that is not rewarded stops.