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CONFLICT RESOLUTION TECHNIQUES

Children fight to get parents involved in something that is none of the parents’ business. Children also fight because they do not have the skills to resolve their conflicts. These skills must be taught.

VERBALLY DIFFUSING ANGER: If two children are beating each other senseless, and are old enough to do this, use the Cote Method: “Jon you will tell us everything that happened. Mark, you will say nothing until Jon is finished. Even is Jon lies, you will be quiet. Talk Jon.” (You use the time out sign to keep Mark from reacting.) When Jon runs out of gas, reverse the process--Jon is quiet as Mark talks until he doesn’t want to talk any more. Reverse the process and let Jon talk while Mark is quiet. Reverse the process and let Mark talk while Jon is quiet. At some point, the two will run out of steam (diffusing the anger is the point) and want to stop.

USING P.R.S.: I have developed a system for talking to children that stops the parent from blaming, shaming or parent pleasing as its power structure. First you state the PROBLEM: (Factual: what happened with no details or blame.) “Mark and I were fighting.” Next you state the RULE (Be sure there is a rule in your home to cover the problem. We had a rule that we were kind to each other--this rule covered a lot of problem areas.) “We have a rule in our home that we use our words and not our fists.” (This rule does not work when spanking is a part of the parent strategy; children perceive hitting as hitting no matter what the reason.) SOLUTION: “What could you do differently if this situation came up again?” (“If Mark took my toy I could use my words to get it back.”) Children are punished over and over again for breaking invisible rules. They need to know the rule AND to have been taught to think of another solutions should the same problem arise in the future.

TEACHERS AND PARENTS: A simple piece of paper with PROBLEM, RULE, SOLUTION written on it can give the two children a time out as they write the answers--sign and date them. This is a wonderful form to be used in schools as it gives the teacher a resource to stop the problem, the students have a resource for thinking of another solution to that problem and a record is kept (written and signed by the child) of problems that exist. It is also wonderful because it is boring to fill out these papers-- thus children stop un-necessary behavior in order to stop writing those boring PRS papers!!

ANOTHER RESOURCE: I wish I had read Barbara Coloroso’s book, Kids Are Worth It when I was parenting young children. I would have done less enabling with my children. I would have done a better job of teaching my children to work out their own problems. Check Barbara’s website: www.kidsareworthit.com